New Policies Counteract Impending Munimum-Wage Legislation

In an effort to reduce the costs involved with producing quality humor product worldwide, the full Board of Directors of THE CORPORATION this week approved several policies that will effectively counteract the negative effects of any forthcoming federal minimum-wage legislation.

"As an estimated 83% of all of our employees receive minimum-wage," explains Louis Hollister, U.S. Human Resources Coordinator for THE CORPORATION, "the Board's actions will save us quite a bit." One policy includes a program where employees can exchange hourly pay for birthday dinners, discounted surplus food items and free burial plots. Another offers certain employees "maximum-wage" contracts that freeze an employee's wages forever at a rate 60-70 cents higher than the minimum-wage.

Reaction to the policies at THE CORPORATION's main production plant in Dearborn, Michigan, pictured at left, was favorable. "As long as I get enough cheese to eat and have a place to go when i kick the bucket," exclaims Gif Processing Manager Bonnie Lasher, "I don't mind making $3.61 an hour."