New Marketing Effort Based on Fingerprint Characteristics

THE CORPORATION's recent direct-marketing effort targeted at likely consumers of humor product has been "very successful" according to Jeremy Kreitler, Targeting and Branding Consultant. "We have been able to identify likely consumers outside of our normal target groups and have used various methods of getting them to our web site. The results have been remarkable."

The most successful effort, Operation HoTTiP is based on last year's well-publicized studies which link a person's middle fingerprint characteristics to their succeptability to humor. While the "arch" characteristic, top, indicates little to no sense of humor in an individual, the "loop" characteristic, middle, and especially the "whorl" characteristic, bottom, indicate that an individual's sense of humor is highly developed and succeptable to quality stimulation.

While most of the response to the effort has been positive, Calvin and Marilyn Linden, Leaders of the Ohio chapter of the Free and Anonymous America Coalition, severed their own middle fingers, as well as that of their son David, last week in a radical protest of THE CORPORATION and it's product. "We're giving THE CORPORATION the middle finger by cutting it off" Mr. Linden exclaimed Thursday from his Cleveland jail cell. David, shown at left above, immediately had his finger reattached, and is now in the custody of his grandparents. "Cyberbear will love me even more now that he knows I have the 'whorl' characteristic," David said proudly, holding his finger up in front of cameras Friday morning. "He loves me more than my parents do."