The Story of the Tooth Fairy

So, you all lost some teeth today while scrubbing out the nuclear waste facilities, eh? Well it looks like you're going to get a visit from the Tooth Fairy! What? You don't know who the Tooth Fairy is? Well just sit right down here and let me tell you youngsters all about her...

See, I met the Tooth Fairy way back in '54. I remember the year because it was the same year my Uncle Rodger got married to that little Canadian girl. Now what was her name... Marilyn Monroe? No, wait a minute, I think it was Olive Oil. She was a skinny girl, but my Uncle really loved her because he'd eat all of that junky spinach she was always cooking him. It swelled up his arms something terrible, I remember. Well, never mind about that...

You see, the Tooth Fairy is a little girl with a pretty little dress that visits you when your teeth fall out. But she isn't always a little girl because sometimes she turns herself into a bat! Yes-siree!

When she's a bat she can fly through the air. She comes into your house to visit very very late at night when you are asleep, just like she'll come tonight. The reason why she comes in at night is because if she ever goes out in the day she'll turn into a pile of dust. My cousin Elmer, who was the best hunter you ever did see, by the way, dissapeared in a cloud of dust when we was driving to Califonia during the Depression. He got into a nasty fight with this big talking rooster, and when the dust settled he was gone, I say gone! But never mind about that...

Now the interesting thing about the Tooth Fairy is that the only food she ever eats is human blood. She's like a big mosquito, she is. Tonight, while you're fast asleep, she'll quietly slip your tooth out from under your pillow and lick the bits of skin and blood off of it. Then, hovering over you in the dark, she'll criticize you with her eyes and then all of a sudden ... jump on you and suck up all your blood! And when you wake up you'll be a Tooth Fairy, too!

The good part about being a Tooth Fairy is that you get to live forever. And when you're parents are long gone, you'll get to stay up very late at night without anyone tellin' you to go to bed. The bad thing is you can't look at yourself in the mirror when you brush your teeth anymore ...

But neither can my Uncle Popeye because he lost his teeth from drinking too much olive oil.

Well, goodbye now children. It looks like you youngsters have a big night to prepare for ... unless I was talking about Dracula instead of the Tooth Fairy.

But I wasn't.

Great Great Grampa Grumpy
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